Bossy bottom

A bottom who gives orders during sex, telling the top what to do, how fast and how deep; a tease, a compliment or a complaint.

A bossy bottom is a bottom who gives orders. Faster, slower, deeper, not like that, hold my hips, now flip me over: he is on the receiving end and running the show by voice. Sometimes that is exactly what both men want. Sometimes the top starts to feel like a delivery driver being directed into a tight parking space.

The word is mostly teasing and sometimes a complaint. Calling a man a bossy bottom can be affectionate ("he's a bossy bottom, you'll love him"), a warning, or a put-down from a top who expected someone quieter.

Bossy, power or dom

Gay slang now has several words for a bottom who is not passive, and they are not quite the same:

• Power bottom: leads with his body, energy and stamina; he rides, he sets the rhythm.
• Dom bottom: a dominant bottom, confident and in control, who directs the sex the way a good choreographer directs a dancer.
• Bossy bottom: leads with his mouth, and not always with the skill to match.

The San Francisco AIDS Foundation put the difference neatly: a dominant bottom creates space for both partners, while a bossy bottom thinks he can teach without the skill to do it well, and "instead of creating flow, they interrupt it".

A word with a double edge

The same article makes another point that many bottoms recognize: bossy bottom has been used as a put-down, often by tops who expected a submissive partner and got a man who knew what he wanted. In that mouth, the word is less about style and more about the old idea that bottoms should lie back and be grateful. Plenty of bottoms now wear the label with pride exactly for that reason.

Nobody has documented where or when the word started. It is clearly a cousin of the older kink idea of "topping from the bottom", when the submissive partner quietly runs the scene. Bossy bottom just says it in plain gay English, with a raised eyebrow.

How it plays out

Like any role word, it works best as information rather than accusation. A bottom who knows what he likes and says so is giving his partner a map. A top who likes being told what to do, like many a service top, may find a bossy bottom ideal. The friction comes when a bossy bottom meets a dom top who wanted to lead: then it is less a fuck and more a negotiation. The pillow princess is the opposite case, a bottom who neither gives orders nor does any work.

Related terms