Side

A gay man who does not do anal sex, neither top nor bottom, but enjoys everything else: kissing, oral, frot, mutual jerking and more.

A side is a gay man who does not do anal sex, or does not care much for it: neither top nor bottom. Sides enjoy pretty much everything else, kissing, sucking, rimming, frot, jerking off together, toys, kink, but penetration is not on the menu, or not on most nights.

It is a role label like any other, and it says nothing about desire or experience. Some sides never liked anal, some find it painful, some tried it and shrugged, some are sides for a season. A side is not "less gay" or "not finished", just a man who knows what he likes.

Where it comes from

The word is very recent and has a known author. The sex therapist Joe Kort coined it in April 2013 in a Huffington Post article about men on "the side", looking beyond tops and bottoms. He has said it started as a joke with friends: they told him that if he did not do anal he was neither top nor bottom, and he said he must be a side.

The need for it was real. Gay men's sex lives were always more varied than "who fucks whom". Grindr's sex-ed blog cites a 2011 survey of about 25,000 gay and bisexual men in which only around a third had penetrative sex at their most recent hookup, while three in four had oral sex. Until 2013, the men who skipped anal simply had no handy word for it.

On the apps

For years sides had to pick "vers" or leave the position field blank and explain in the bio. Then Grindr added side as a position option of its own. That small menu change mattered more than it looks: it told a lot of men that skipping anal was normal and not something to apologize for.

The reaction is still mixed. Some men read side as a polite "no" and scroll on; others are relieved to find each other. Sides often pair happily with other sides, with vers men in a no-anal mood, or with anyone into mutual jerking, frot and edging.

Side or something else

A side is not the same as a man who is asexual, celibate or "just not into sex". Sides want sex, just not one particular kind. It is also not a polite way to say pillow princess, who wants to be fucked or pleased without doing much in return. And it is not a stage on the way to topping or bottoming, even if some men do change over time.

Related terms